


A Comprehensive List of Things That Should Not Be Done In The Bunker: Or Anywhere Else For That Matter

by goodmorningstarshines



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Blind Jack Kline, Castiel and Dean Winchester and Sam Winchester are Jack Kline's Parents, Castiel knows everything, Chaotic Winchesters and Co, Chuck Shurley can suck my left nut, Crack, Deaf Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester Knows ASL, Enochian-Speaking Sam Winchester, Fuck Canon, Fun Uncle Gabriel (Supernatural), Gen, Humor, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Prank Wars, Rowena MacLeod Makes Potions, Sam Winchester Knows ASL, Skippy's List, Somewhat Responsible Crowley (Supernatural), Uncle Gabriel (Supernatural), but that's to be expected, he gets like one mention, he's not even in this fic and i still hate him, me and my headcanons make the rules >:O, no one died cus i said so, not phrased in that format tho, plan d for dumbass, sam winchester is a happy drunk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-06
Updated: 2020-03-06
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:27:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23040973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goodmorningstarshines/pseuds/goodmorningstarshines
Summary: 65. No calling Sam for legal advice (See Rule 4) It only acts as a reminder that he could have stayed at Stanford.
Relationships: Castiel/ Dean Winchester (Implied), Except god he stinky, Gabriel/Sam Winchester (Implied), Lit Rally Everyone/Happiness
Comments: 22
Kudos: 263





	A Comprehensive List of Things That Should Not Be Done In The Bunker: Or Anywhere Else For That Matter

  1. It is _never_ a good idea to wake Dean up without making coffee, **never.**
  2. Waking Dean up and telling him the world is ending when he gets mad at you is not an adequate excuse. (Even if the world is actually ending)
  3. No threatening to sue people, no one in the bunker is even seen as alive in the eyes of the US Justice System. It wouldn't go well.
  4. Sam Winchester is not a lawyer. He can not and will not help people in suing his brother.
  5. It is never appropriate to take one's hearing aids out when you get sick of listening to someone.
  6. Yes even if they're a cop, especially if that person is a cop.
  7. No Nerf gun battles.
  8. Just because the guns aren't technically Nerf products, does not mean they are allowed.
  9. No letting Jack drive. Yes, he has impeccable hearing but, he is still very much blind.
  10. Dean is only allowed to say a movie quote twenty times a day unless it's his birthday in which the amount is his age.
  11. No, hell years don't count.
  12. Describing a bullet wound as 'just a scratch' will not get you out of Cas's mother henning, it only makes it worse so don't bother trying.
  13. Using the bunker's lights to 'set the mood' is not permitted.
  14. No bunker sex.
  15. Avoid entering hunter bars, for the love of Gabe, avoid them.
  16. No shooting people you disagree with.
  17. Cas is not allowed to make code names, aliases, or anything of the sort.
  18. All blood must be scrubbed off thoroughly before entering the library.
  19. 'because they smell weird' is not valid reasoning to dislike someone.
  20. Judging anyone's music taste is not allowed unless it's God's.
  21. No making purchases under dead people's names.
  22. No making purchases under serial killers' names.
  23. No, not even if that person is you.
  24. If you wouldn't say it in front of a four-year-old, don't say it around Jack. This should be obvious.
  25. No trying to cut off Sams's hair, all attempts run the risk of loss of limbs.
  26. No punching ableists.
  27. Correction no letting Cas or Dean punch ableists, they hit too hard. Sam is fine too.
  28. No animals, supernatural or otherwise with more than fifty teeth may be kept as pets.
  29. Everyone has to do their chores.
  30. Yes, even you Dean.
  31. Using the excuse, 'I saved the world' as a way to get out of chores will never work. If it did nothing would get cleaned.
  32. Pretending to misplace your hearing aids is not a way to get out of chores.
  33. Letting Gabe have full control of the music is never ideal.
  34. Sam and Cas are no longer allowed to team on trivia nights.
  35. No referring to Crowley's driving or Crowley driving as 'hell on wheel's.
  36. No accepting Sam's or Jack's puppy dog eyes as valid reasoning.
  37. Dessert before dinner is not allowed even if Dean said yes.
  38. Hiding food from Dean and testing how long it takes for him to find it does not count as a science experiment.
  39. Hiding food from Dean does not work, please stop putting pie in the vents.
  40. No more introducing Cas as Angel of the Lord and then proceeding to play **any** song released under the name Lorde.
  41. Just because you're dressed as a police officer, it doesn't mean you actually are one.
  42. You can't punch Jack's, Claire's, Alex's, or anyone's friends just because you don't like them.
  43. Blasting any musical's soundtrack is only to be done for a maximum of half an hour.
  44. Cas is not allowed to interrogate people.
  45. Jack isn't allowed to adopt stray cats. Dean is still very much allergic.
  46. No spoiling TV shows, no matter how long they've been out.
  47. Giving large amounts of candy to Jack is not advised.
  48. Just because you have the ability to make everyday Halloween doesn't mean you should.
  49. There is no point arguing with Cas about his status as the bunker's nurse, it just something you have to live with.
  50. No kicking transphobes.
  51. *No kicking transphobes while wearing boots or anything with a heel.
  52. While some comparisons between Cas and The Doctor are true, this fact does not warrant forcingly dressing him up as any of the regenerations.
  53. Just cause Sam's a happy drunk does no mean you can get him drunk for your amusement.
  54. No, not even if you're his brother.
  55. Or his boyfriend.
  56. No getting Sam drunk period.
  57. No bringing up the 'incident'
  58. If the alias you plan to use makes you laugh for more than twenty seconds, **do not use it.**
  59. No betting on Mario cart games.
  60. Sam is no longer allowed to punch ableists.
  61. Leaving a note that says anything along the lines of 'not dead' or 'still kicking' and disappearing for a month is not proper notice.
  62. Sharing embarrassing stories about Dean is only to be done when you are a safe distance away and have the stamina to run.
  63. *Try not to accept Sam and Jack's puppy dog eyes as valid reasoning. It gets all of us one day.
  64. No buying Cas gag gifts, he's too sweet for that.
  65. No calling Sam for legal advice (See Rule 4) It only acts as a reminder that he could have stayed at Stanford.
  66. No betting at all, none of you have money. - Crowley
  67. Please keep vine references to a minimum while posing as FBI agents.
  68. While killing Hitler is impressive, telling non-hunters this fact is not a good thing to do.
  69. 'my plant died' is not comparable to the death of a loved one no matter how much you loved it.
  70. Sam is not allowed to hack into any database higher than the polices without a good reason that goes through both Crowley and Cas first.
  71. Insisting prank wars is not advised.
  72. 'I saw it in a movie' does not mean you should try and replicate it.
  73. No scamming people that you think are idiots.
  74. 'I saw Dean do it' is also not a reason you need to replicate something.
  75. There is no point in challenging Sam to any game involving throwing sharp or pointed objects. (Please stop doing it the holes as getting harder to cover)
  76. No stealing from people.
  77. No stealing from people and calling it a 'douchebag tax' 'rich guy tax' or any other variants.
  78. No trying to bribe people with Monopoly money.
  79. No trying to bribe people with real money.
  80. Replacing all the coffee with herbal tea is not a prank it is an act of **war.**
  81. _Never,_ bring Baby into an argument.
  82. Just because Dean said he has a plan, it does not mean it's a good one. This is less a rule more a word of advice.
  83. Even Crowley has to do chores.
  84. No innuendoes in front of Jack. (See rule 24)
  85. No letting Gabe tell people he speaks baby. (Even if it's true)
  86. Rowena isn't allowed to test potions on people she doesn't like.
  87. Never forget to SALT and burn the body.
  88. A hug is not a form of assault.
  89. For the sake of everyone's sanity, no debating Dean on whether baby counts a part of the family, even as a joke.
  90. Especially as a joke.
  91. Cas isn't allowed to say 'honey you've got a big storm coming' and then cause lightning to strike to scare people.
  92. No eating donuts for every meal.
  93. Bar the world literally ending, no using the grenade launcher.
  94. No starting online supernatural stores.
  95. Burning Supernatural books still counts as an act of arson and can still get you arrested.
  96. Dean is not allowed to say 'sorry I didn't hear that' and then show his hearing aids to make people uncomfortable.
  97. Yes, stealing from Rowena count's toward rule 76.
  98. Rowena counts as a person, not an. 'immortal red-headed wicked witch of the west'
  99. Gabriel is not allowed to give Jack sex ed classes.
  100. Gabriel is not allowed to give **anyone** sex ed classes.
  101. Cas is not allowed to answer the bunker's hunter phones. (See rule 17)
  102. No making sex jokes in ASL, Enochian, Latin, or Pig Latin. Sam's getting tired of pretending not to know what you're saying.
  103. No matter how funny you think it might be, never prank Gabriel. I guarantee you cannot handle his wrath.
  104. Sam isn't allowed to challenge drunk hunters to games of darts. (See rule 75)
  105. Glaring at people who 'look at Jack funny' is to be kept to a minimum.
  106. Dean isn't allowed to pray to Cas for stupid reasons.
  107. 'because I thought there might be aliens' is not a good reason to hack into multiple government databases. (See rule 70)
  108. **Everyone** is limited to ten puns a day.
  109. No accusing law enforcement of 'smoking the good stuff' or 'smoking the good kush'
  110. No letting Sam cook anything more than a salad.
  111. Don't refer to Cas as mom.
  112. Don't refer to Crowley as dad.
  113. No yelling 'wake up' in the middle of a conversation with people you don't like to scare them.
  114. No saying 'but daddddd' when Crowley says no to something.
  115. No threating to eat people you don't like.
  116. No playing truth or dare while drunk.
  117. 'a sock monster' is not a reason to not clean your room.
  118. Cake does not represent every food group.
  119. No letting Jack decorate alone, it would go as well as you'd expect.
  120. **Never** forget to read the fine print.
  121. No calling 'come here doggy' to every random dog you see.
  122. No more breaking mirrors.
  123. Cas isn't allowed to sassily snap his fingers at people.
  124. Cas isn't allowed to sassily snap his fingers at people that he plans to harm with said snaps.
  125. No messing with people when they are hungover.
  126. Saying 'you can't handle the truth' is not to be used as a substitute for an explanation.
  127. No talking about the realness of unicorns. 
  128. Yelling 'not it' doesn't work against police officers trying to arrest you, please stop trying.
  129. Don't badly Photoshop police officers in an attempt to start a prank war within there department.
  130. The bunker's wards are not a toy and should not be messed with.
  131. No referring to people a meddling kids.
  132. No yelling 'kinky' whenever someone says rough.
  133. The five-second rule should not be followed. 
  134. No asking is people are on crack. (See rule 109)
  135. Crowley is not allowed to attempt demon deals on police officers to help a case. 
  136. No playing into people's delusions by turning your eyes different colors. 
  137. No playing into people's delusions by snapping your finger to do anything weird.
  138. The bunker's speakers are not to be used to play knocking sound or anything of the sort to confuse people.
  139. Dean is not allowed to make angel jokes to Cas in excess amounts.
  140. No doing impressions of Rowena. (unless drunk)
  141. No hissing at people you don't like.
  142. No hissing at people in general.
  143. Saying 'the voices told me too' should never be said in front of cops.
  144. No making it snow in the middle of July.
  145. Don't make the jaws noises while on a hunt revolving around a killer shark.
  146. Gabriel is not allowed to claim having 'the power of god and anime on his side'
  147. No more making Pokemon references around the local law enforcement.
  148. Never encase someone's phone in jello for not responding to your texts.
  149. Just because you're an angel, it doesn't make your word gospel.
  150. No trying to start a cult for plants.
  151. Crowley isn't allowed to say to people 'ya'll ugly' before smoking out.
  152. No starting hunt logs with 'Dear Diary'
  153. The ingredients to Rowena's potions do not need proper funerals. 
  154. Stop trying to sell people for carnival toys.
  155. **Always** buy Jack kettle corn.
  156. No clowns in the bunker.
  157. Dean and Gabe are the only ones allowed to call Sam, Sammy.
  158. Rowena's vote doesn't count twice because she's older.
  159. Gabriel's vote doesn't count five times because he's older.
  160. Stop claiming to smell fear around antsy hunters.
  161. No one is allowed to die more than twice in a year.
  162. Don't paint Dean's room.
  163. Don't paint Dean's room and claim it is an impromptu art project.
  164. No stealing Jack's glasses.
  165. No vandalizing said glasses.
  166. When at a morgue no saying 'that it not pudding'
  167. Pirate Botty is not an accepted form of currency and should not be treated as such.
  168. Rowena is not allowed to shop for the bunker.
  169. No calling near earth-shattering events 'mini apocalypses'
  170. No claiming to have made up conditions to make people go away.
  171. Having once been a baby does not make you a good babysitter. 
  172. Mood rings do not give you magic powers
  173. Stop trying to spell a mood ring that gives people magic powers
  174. No making more than three Losechester jokes in a day.
  175. Dean is not allowed to pin signs to Sam back while on hunts.
  176. Jack and Rowena are not to be left unsupervised in the bunker.
  177. No introducing yourself as Batman.
  178. Do not start a garden in the dungeon.
  179. No comparing Crowley to a rat.
  180. You can't get mad at a person's blood, not clotting if you're the one who punched them.
  181. Don't disrespect Pixar unless you have a wish for death by Jack Kline
  182. No trying to convert random hunters to Pastafarianism.
  183. No getting mad at said hunters for not converting to Pastafarianism.
  184. No quoting vines to greek god, especially if that vine uses the words 'Poseidon quivers before me' 
  185. Asking nicely only works on Cas, stop trying it on the real FBI
  186. No saying 'bitch I'm Crowley' to law enforcement.
  187. No buying Dora band-aids.
  188. Slumber parties are the only acceptable time to braid Sam's hair
  189. Don't disrespect Disney (See rule 181)
  190. No saying 'back in my day' when referring to time spent while time traveling.
  191. No stealing candy from vending machines (See rule 76) while standing next to Gabe, it's an insult to his name.
  192. No having screaming contests.
  193. No having screaming contests when close to law enforcement.
  194. No letting Gabe and Dean make the menu for that week unless you really like candied bacon.
  195. Don't run from the cops **_after posing as the FBI!_**
  196. Dumbass is not a real langue, stop claiming to speak it
  197. No training for the circus
  198. No one other than Gabe and Dean are to be trusted in using the oven.
  199. Rowena isn't allowed to make rats talk.
  200. Rowena is not allowed to start a mega coven consisting of herself and twenty talking rats.
  201. Don't punch people with the reasoning 'they've never seen Star Wars'
  202. 'did you catch the game last week' is not small talk that should be made with stranges while you have blood on your face.
  203. Princess hair, Constantine, and Shorty are not to be used as code names.
  204. No saying 'is that a real body' with a shocked expression when posing as FBI agents.
  205. 'the middle of butt-fuck nowhere' does not count as a location and should not be used to describe a hunts location.
  206. No letting goats into the bunker to 'give them a better life than being in a petting zoo'
  207. Messing with new Hunters is not a form of amusement that should be used, _often._
  208. No moving Dean's cassettes more than a foot away from their previous location.
  209. Castiel is not allowed to 'cut a bitch' when they threaten the Winchesters.
  210. Singing everybody makes mistakes does not work on the cops or anyone for that matter.
  211. No braiding Sams hair (See rule 188) to 'allow him to reach his true potential'
  212. No tasking rookie cops to do whatever you want.
  213. Playing the John Cena theme to distract your enemies does not count as stealth nor does it make you invisible or a ninja.




End file.
